Life After Phillip Morris by Steven Russell & Laurence Watts

Author:Steven Russell & Laurence Watts
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: MB Books, LLC
Published: 2018-07-08T04:00:00+00:00

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The CURTAIN rises revealing the same stage general arrangement as Act One. Steven and the Narrator are lying center stage on two sun loungers, bathed in red and yellow light. Hawaiian music is playing. Steven lies on the lounger to the right while the Narrator sits on the lounger to the left. Each of them has a parasol in one hand and a cocktail in the other. Both are wearing straw sun hats and sunglasses.

Narrator (cheerily): Well, hello again! Glad you could join us. It’s 2003 and Steven and I are … (he looks around) Actually, I have no idea where we are. Steven, where are we?

Steven (casually): It looks like Santa Monica to me.

Narrator (confused): California?

Steven: Is there another? Narrator (taking off his sunglasses): Steven, that’s not possible. If this is the future and we’ve been paroled then we’d have to stay in Texas under the terms of our parole.

Steven: Oh. (Smiling and relaxing) Well, then we’re on Port Aransas Beach, Nueces County, Texas. Narrator : Of course, we are. (To the audience) We’re celebrities now. Some people from Hollywood are flying in to make a motion picture about lil’ ol’ me.

Steven: Lil’ ol’ us!

Narrator: Yes. Tell me, Steven… (He sips his drink) … What kinds of people do they make films about?

Steven: Kings and emperors usually. Presidents. Those kinds of people. Narrator : Rock stars as well, don’t forget. Famous, important, historical figures. (He sips his drink) They like to make biopics about them, don’t they?

Steven: Inventors too… like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford.

Narrator: Oh and astronauts, of course. Brave, fearless men flying to the moon.

Steven: Murderers…

Narrator: Well, yes… But also composers, industrialists….

Steven: Warmongers.

Narrator: And war heroes. And also great painters, poets and writers…

Steven: And perverts. Narrator (shouting): Steven! You’re ruining my ‘us time.’ (Calmly) My point is they don’t just make films about anyone, do they? They make films about special people and that there makes us special.

Steven: Whatever. Narrator (excitedly): We’re like Bonnie and Clyde rolled into one.

Steven: I think you’ve had a little bit too much to drink.

Narrator: Or Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett.

Steven: Fine. You’re Mrs Lovett.

The Narrator puts his sunglasses back on.

Narrator (like a Southern lady): Now, Steven, my piña colada is empty! Would you be a darling and refill my glass?

Steven: Refill it yourself. This is my daydream.

Narrator: It is not! I’m just as asleep as you are.

Steven: No, you’re not.

Narrator: I am, too. I’m in a thoroughly relaxed and deep sleep.

Steven: Well, you can’t be. People only dream when they’re in shallow sleep.

Narrator: Well then, I’m in a thoroughly relaxed and shallow sleep.

Steven (boasting): I’m in a coma.

Narrator: You are not!

Steven: I am too. How would you know if I’m in a coma or not?

Narrator: Well, because then we’d both be in a coma. I think I’d know if I was in coma.

Steven: I wish you were in a coma. Narrator : What time are they arriving? Steven: We’re in prison, numbnuts. It’s not like they made an appointment. Visiting hours are from 10 a.

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